Skin

SFX

clinking of keys, footsteps

MARCUS

All clear on level one! Moving to the second floor.

MARCUS

Did you copy that, Penny?

PENNY

(Over the radio) Oh, sorry, Marcus!

MARCUS

Radio discipline, Penny. Pay attention.

PENNY

Sorry! I mean, uh, copy that.

MARCUS

Ugh, what's that smell?

SFX

knocks on a door, opens it

PENNY

Oh, hi, Marcus! I was just... Feeding Gertrude.

MARCUS

The goddamn lizard?

PENNY

She's an ackie monitor—

MARCUS

I don't care! That thing is smelling up the place!

PENNY

I'm sorry, I'll... I'll clean up better.

MARCUS

Ugh, seriously, what have you been feeding that thing?

PENNY

Uh...

PENNY

Crickets, mostly.

MARCUS

Crickets. And that probably explains the infestation.

PENNY

Oh, I don't... Well, I mean... Maybe some got out when I was feeding her? I don't know.

MARCUS

Ugh! No wonder Sandra stopped showing up for her shifts. I've had it with this biohazard you're keeping! This is a museum, not a zoo!

PENNY

Sorry! Please don't fire me! I need this job!

MARCUS

Then act like it! Get rid of the lizard, clean up this mess, and maybe we can... what the…?

MARCUS

I think...

MARCUS

(Audibly scratching) God! So itchy!

MARCUS

Something's wrong.

MARCUS

I—I feel like...

MARCUS

(Scratching intensely) God, my skin! Am I having a reaction to that—that thing, that...

SFX

deep, low roar

MARCUS

Uh...

MARCUS

What–?

MARCUS

What the fuck is that thing?!

PENNY

He doesn't like mean people, Marcus.

SFX

wet splat sounds

MARCUS

What is it doing?

MARCUS

Stay back! Stay away from me!

SFX

pulsating sound, Marcus screams like he’s being ripped apart

INTRO

Intro theme

ELI

(Over the phone) Any luck?

JACOB

Not really. I mean, the only noteworthy thing in his apartment is a closet full of suits.

ELI

Yeah, just keep at it.

ELI

His CRT should have everything you need.

JACOB

Okay.

JACOB

Uh, oh, shit.

ELI

Oh, no, what?

JACOB

He has a flat screen.

ELI

No, no, CRT. It stands for Curtain-issued Records Terminal. It's basically a tablet where we maintain our files for work.

JACOB

Got it. But don't you guys have a handbook or something?

ELI

Eh, I mean, Hedy made one, but that wouldn't help you get into character.

ELI

I mean, the tablet will have everything. Aberration records, staff dossier, all of his personal notes. You need to learn as much as you can if you want to stay off the radar.

JACOB

So your top secret agency gives you all tablets with sensitive data?

ELI

Yeah–

JACOB

What if one gets stolen?

ELI

The biometric system wouldn't let them pass the login screen and too much tampering would wipe the hard drive.

JACOB

W–wait, how does that even work?

ELI

That’s—that's a Lucas question, but I do know it's linked to the user's DNA, and if it doesn't match, you won't get it.

JACOB

Oh, then I'm screwed.

JACOB

Cool.

ELI

No, uh–

JACOB

Awesome.

ELI

Maybe not. Whether you being his identical twin is close enough, I—I guess… we'll find out.

JACOB

If I can find it.

JACOB

Wait.

SFX

drawer slides open

JACOB

Wait, I think I got it. Taped under a drawer.

JACOB

Seems a little paranoid.

ELI

(Laughs) That's Jordan for you.

ELI

…Was Jordan.

ELI

Anyway, do you see a thumb scanner?

JACOB

Yeah, trying it now.

ELI

Hang on, Val's calling. I'm gonna put you on hold.

SFX

hold signal

JACOB

Alright.

JACOB

Here it goes.

SFX

scanning noise

JACOB

Come on.

JACOB

Come on.

JACOB

God, this thing is ancient.

SFX

approval noise

JACOB

Oh, yes!

SFX

call return beep

ELI

Alright, hey, you still there?

JACOB

I'm in, baby!

ELI

Oh, good, but that needs to wait.

ELI

We've got a case.

JACOB

Right now?

ELI

Yeah, right now. We're coming to pick you up.

ELI

All right, Val, what's the rundown?

VALENTINE

Hedy flagged disappearances. Three missing persons reported in the last month, all connected to the same location.

VALENTINE

One customer, an elderly guy named Frank, never made it home. The other two are museum staff, Sandra Mackey, part-time curator, and most recent is Marcus Fields, their head of security.

JACOB

Could be normal staff turnover.

JACOB

Museums don't usually pay living wages, from what I hear.

VALENTINE

I don't mean they didn't show up for work. I mean, gone gone. Abandoned homes, cars left in the parking lot, no contact with family or friends.

JACOB

Uh, what's the name of this place again?

VALENTINE

It's called... The Hoaxatorium.

JACOB

The fuck? Uh, okay. Uh...

JACOB

Here it is.

JACOB

A museum of historical impersonation, where we celebrate humanity's greatest historical hoaxes and the people who fell for them. Sounds...

JACOB

Yeah, sounds like it sounds.

ELI

So, what makes Hedy think this is our kind of case?

VALENTINE

Well, the police reports are real, timeline checks out, and...

VALENTINE

And honestly, I don't have anything else going on today, and I'm—I’m bored.

ELI

Okay, not quite the answer I was hoping for, but...

ELI

Sure.

ELI

All right.

VALENTINE

Well, parking lot's mostly empty. That's a good sign. I hate crowds.

ELI

All right.

ELI

So we'll go on his tourists, look around, ask some questions.

ELI

If we see anything weird, regroup and decide our next steps.

SFX

car door shuts

ELI

Oh, and remember, this could have a mundane explanation. We don't work missing persons or homicides without aberrant activity.

ELI

So just don't get your hopes up, I guess?

VALENTINE

You know what? I'm calling it. Haunted museum. This place already looks cursed as shit.

JACOB

It's just... It's just a little rundown.

SFX

door creaks open

ELI

Hello?

SFX

distant vacuuming sounds

ELI

Anyone here?

VALENTINE

Hey, museum people!

SFX

vacuuming stops, footsteps

PENNY

Oh, um, hi!

PENNY

Uh, I mean, welcome to the Hacksatorium.

JACOB

Hacks?

JACOB

I don't think that's right.

PENNY

How can I help you?

ELI

Well, we were driving through the area and we thought, oh, well, we'd like to see your exhibits, right?

PENNY

Oh, uh.

ELI

How much are—how much are tickets?

PENNY

Okay, I guess that's fine. Admission is $5. Each.

ELI

Okay, that's–

PENNY

Cash only.

ELI

Oh.

PENNY

Exact change, um, preferred.

ELI

Sure.

ELI

Just, one second.

JACOB

One, two…

ELI

I've got a… a five?

JACOB

…Twelve, eighteen…

JACOB

I have…

ELI

Some ones? Uh.

JACOB

Some change.

ELI

I have $4.00 in ones.

JACOB

Math, math, math…

JACOB

25 Plus 17…

ELI

Do you think this Canadian dollar counts?

JACOB

I haaave… 68 cents.

VALENTINE

Oh, Christ.

VALENTINE

Here's a 20.

PENNY

Oh, but I can't break a 20! Maybe I didn't speak loud enough. Exact change is...

VALENTINE

You can keep the five if that means that we can get this show on the road.

PENNY

Okay!

PENNY

I'm sorry. The manager emptied the cash box and never...

PENNY

Uh, anyway, here are your tickets.

PENNY

My name is Penny. Would you like a tour?

PENNY

So, um, we have a bunch of… fake stuff.

PENNY

This is the Shakespearean toothbrush. Um. People thought it was Shakespeare's toothbrush, but… it wasn't.

JACOB

Cool. Cool, cool.

VALENTINE

You, uh, got a lot of bugs in here.

PENNY

Yeah. Sorry, crickets.

ELI

As long as it's not mosquitoes.

ELI

What, uh—what happened here?

PENNY

Sorry, there was an accident. Someone, uh, tripped into the exhibit and broke the glass.

PENNY

It was the, uh, Rosetta fragment. People thought it was part of the Rosetta Stone, but it was actually...

SFX

flips pages

PENNY

…A burnt oatcake?! That's... That's stupid.

JACOB

(Laughs) I guess people will believe anything, right?

PENNY

(Laughs) Yeah. Yeah.

PENNY

9Sighs) This is the... This is the Mona Lizard.

PENNY

It's supposed to be Leonardo da Vinci's sketch of the Mona Lisa, but with a lizard head.

ELI

(Laughing) But it's not?

PENNY

Nope. This is just some French guy in the 1800s trying to be funny. Which honestly makes more sense because why would da Vinci draw a lizard lady?

PENNY

I mean, not that lizards aren't cool. I think they're really cool. I even have an aki monitor. Her name is Gertrude. I keep her in the security office so she's not neglected during working hours.

PENNY

But yeah, I just think it's weird for the Mona Lisa. (laughs awkwardly) sorry, I'm really nervous. Marcus used to do the tours, but he's... …not here anymore.

JACOB

It's fine. You're doing great.

PENNY

Oh, thanks. You're nice.

PENNY

This way.

JACOB

(Sniffs) Whew.

JACOB

Must have just cleaned here.

PENNY

Yeah, sorry. There was some, um, spillage. Had to use a lot of disinfectant.

PENNY

Anyway, these are the faux coffins of Sakara. There's like 13 of them, and they're all fake, just in different ways!

ELI

I'm gonna regret asking this, but what do you mean in different ways?

PENNY

Um, four are replicas for rich people's houses, three are from a stage show, and...

PENNY

The rest are just a mix of real and fake stuff that nobody kept track of properly.

ELI

Huh.

ELI

Oh, okay.

ELI

Hmm.

PENNY

I should probably vacuum up more of those crickets. Marcus always got really mad about them.

ELI

You mentioned Marcus. He isn't here anymore?

PENNY

Yeah. He just quit, along with Sandra. It's just me now.

JACOB

Sounds like a lot of work for you.

PENNY

Anyway, uh, that's most of the tour.

ELI

Oh, we'd love to see the rest, if you don't mind, of course.

VALENTINE

Actually, where's the bathroom?

PENNY

Oh, uh, down that hallway, and then take a left, then a right. Uh, no, wait, wait. Take a right then a left.

VALENTINE

Thanks. Come on, Kane.

JACOB

What? I—I don't have to go.

VALENTINE

Yes you do. Let's go.

JACOB

Huh?

VALENTINE

Don't wait for us. Y'all, uh, keep the tour going.

PENNY

Are you sure?

VALENTINE

(Walking away) So very sure.

ELI

So what can you tell me about the Chimera exhibit?

ELI

Because I'm looking and it looks like– –two dogs fused together, and that's just like—a dog, right?

JACOB

Val, what are you doing? I don't need to use the bathroom.

VALENTINE

Oh my God, Kane, get your head in the game. This tour’s getting us nowhere. We need to look around.

JACOB

Oooh.

JACOB

Oh! Clues, right.

JACOB

Sorry.

VALENTINE

Sure. Clues.

VALENTINE

In here.

JACOB

Now, do you work here?

JACOB

That's employees only.

VALENTINE

I can read!

VALENTINE

Oh, hey, Gertrude.

JACOB

Whoa. That thing is shedding like crazy. This habitat really needs a cleaning.

JACOB

This whole—this whole office needs a cleaning.

SFX

rustling of the cage

JACOB

Wait. What's this?

JACOB

Oh my God!

SFX

something clatters to the ground

VALENTINE

What?

JACOB

The—the–the drawer. There.

JACOB

Look.

SFX

rustling

VALENTINE

Is this skin?

JACOB

Don't touch it. Just… don't touch it.

VALENTINE

I'm gonna touch it.

SFX

rustling

VALENTINE

Huh!

SFX

Jacob heaves

VALENTINE

Well, I'll be.

VALENTINE

The whole fucking person's skin.

VALENTINE

Like a human jumpsuit.

VALENTINE

(Laughs) With a hood.

JACOB

Please don't call it that.

VALENTINE

There's another one. This one's more like a crop top.

VALENTINE

What's your deal?

JACOB

Just—just give me a sec.

VALENTINE

Skin on the desk. Skin in the lizard tank.

VALENTINE

What do you want to bet?

JACOB

Yep, human skin. They've been feeding it… Human skin.

JACOB

That's… awesome.

SFX

door opens

JACOB

Penny! Penny, we were just...

PENNY

What are you doing in here? This is employees only!

VALENTINE

Uh-huh. You care to explain… this?

PENNY

Oh! You found... It's... Uh, it's part of an exhibit. We're working on a display about... About...

PENNY

Uhhh… stuff!

PENNY

Look, this area is restricted. You need to go back to the tour.

JACOB

Penny, if something's wrong, I can–

PENNY

Nothing’s wrong!

PENNY

Everything's fine. You just–

VALENTINE

Don't fucking touch me. I'm walking.

PENNY

Sorry, just stay in the main gallery! Please!

PENNY

Your friend is that way. I'll—I’ll be right back.

ELI

What happened?

VALENTINE

You were supposed to keep them busy.

ELI

I—I tried. They got all anxious and ran off.

VALENTINE

Whatever. We need to talk.

VALENTINE

We found human skin in the security office. Like full human pelts.

ELI

Human pelts?

JACOB

And there's way too much shed skin in the terrarium. I think they've been feeding the skin to their lizard?

ELI

Alright, just show me.

JACOB

Can't. They locked it.

VALENTINE

Unless you want me to kick it in.

ELI

No, no, thank you though.

ELI

Did you notice the coffins?

JACOB

Coffins?

ELI

During the tour?

JACOB

No.

ELI

I didn't want to blow our cover, but one of them was leaking… something.

ELI

Here.

VALENTINE

That's blood.

JACOB

Bloody coffin. Love it. What a great day.

JACOB

Thank you.

JACOB

Thank you for inviting me.

JACOB

I love this.

VALENTINE

You ready?

ELI

On three. One…

SFX

coffin opens immediately

ELI

Bro.

VALENTINE

I thought that was going to be a lot heavier.

JACOB

Uh… uh. Guys?

ELI

I'm betting the skin you found goes on this body.

VALENTINE

Should we… try and put it back on?

VALENTINE

Just to be sure.

JACOB

So… so now what?

VALENTINE

Now, we go ask Penny some serious questions.

ELI

Val, I don't see any aberrant activity though. I mean, for all we know, this is a freaky, but mundane, murder situation. We need to just call it in and let the normal authorities handle this.

SFX

PA comes online

PENNY

You shouldn't have gone snooping.

PENNY

My friend doesn't like people who snoop. They're going to take care of you now.

PENNY

Sorry, you seem nice! Well, two of you do.

SFX

wet splatting sounds

ELI

You guys hear that, right?

VALENTINE

Yeah.

JACOB

Me too.

SFX

low growl

ELI

What the hell is that thing?

JACOB

Is that one of the victims?

ELI

(Scratching) There's no way.

ELI

It's like seven feet tall.

VALENTINE

(Cocking gun) Seven feet of dead meat!

ELI

Val, let's just...

SFX

several gunshots

ELI

…Think about this.

VALENTINE

Gotcha.

SFX

wet, meaty squelches

ELI

Val, the—the wounds are closing.

JACOB

The itching is getting worse!

VALENTINE

Fine.

VALENTINE

Let's see if it can—argh!—grow back a head.

SFX

swish of a blade being unsheathed

VALENTINE

I ain't scared of you. You muscly motherfu—Aaa!

JACOB

What's wrong?

VALENTINE

I don't know! It didn't touch me. (screams) My hand!

VALENTINE

What's it doing to me?

ELI

Just take my jacket!

ELI

Stop the bleeding!

SFX

Jacob gives a high-pitched scream, then slaps the creature

VALENTINE

Did you just… slap it?

JACOB

It startled me!

ELI

Wait, the itching stopped.

ELI

Do it again!

JACOB

Okay! Okay.

SFX

slap, followed by an angry roar

JACOB

It's working! Slapping is its weakness.

ELI

It's weak to skin, Kane.

ELI

Skin, not—what?

JACOB

Oh, skin!

JACOB

Right. That's—that’s what I meant.

JACOB

Because it doesn’t have any.

VALENTINE

It's cornered.

VALENTINE

Let's get it. All together now!

PENNY

No! Don't hurt my friend! (sprays something)

JACOB

Ow! Fuck! Why?

VALENTINE

It's enough!

PENNY

You! You're the mean one! You– (starts choking)

JACOB

Why did you do that?

VALENTINE

You're done. Nighty-night.

PENNY

I... (struggles to breathe, passes out)

SFX

lizard noise

JACOB

I—I can't see! You need to get it!

VALENTINE

Fuck it. Group hug?

ELI

Yeah, group hug.

SFX

angry roar

ELI

Keep holding it!

VALENTINE

Of course keep holding it!

SFX

Jacob groans, disgusted

VALENTINE

Get your face all up in it!

JACOB

Eugh, is it… Is it dead?

VALENTINE

Let me make sure.

SFX

swish of a blade

ELI

Val, do you have to though?

SFX

cutting noises, Eli sighs

JACOB

Now I'm weirdly grateful I can't see.

JACOB

Fuck, this hurts.

JACOB

Someone get me some water, please?

ELI

No, water makes it worse, Kane. Just… blink a lot and don't touch your eyes.

ELI

I think we have eye wash in the car.

VALENTINE

What do we do about them?

ELI

I mean, that's kind of above our pay grade.

ELI

I'll call in processing.

ELI

Okay, processing will have some questions.

ELI

Ignatius will handle the cleanup.

JACOB

Right.

JACOB

How's the hand?

VALENTINE

It hurts.

VALENTINE

How are the eyes?

JACOB

It hurts.

JACOB

But at least I can see again.

JACOB

I don't get it. They thought that thing was their friend.

VALENTINE

Friend or not, it killed three people.

SFX

car door opens and shuts

ELI

(Quietly) This is processing.

ELI

Just… let me take the lead.

KOSKA

Status report.

ELI

Aberrant threat neutralized. One complicit civilian requiring processing.

KOSKA

Nature of complicity?

ELI

Direct contact with the Aberration, destruction of evidence, attempted to facilitate our deaths.

ELI

Their name's Penny. They're in the backseat.

KOSKA

Roger that. We'll take it from here.

PENNY

Uh… What?

PENNY

Who are you? What's happening?

KOSKA

Hey, it's okay.

KOSKA

You're safe now.

PENNY

My... …head hurts.

KOSKA

I'm sorry to hear that. We'll have someone take a look and make sure you're okay.

PENNY

Uh...

PENNY

…Okay?

PENNY

But, um...

PENNY

Am I being arrested?

KOSKA

Oh, no, Penny. We just need to understand what happened here.

KOSKA

Right this way. We'll take you somewhere more comfortable so we can talk.

PENNY

But what about Gertrude? I can't leave Gertrude alone.

KOSKA

Oh, it's OK.

KOSKA

We already have someone looking after Gertrude.

PENNY

Oh, OK.

PENNY

That's nice of you.

PENNY

But, um, could I just take her with me?

KOSKA

Mm, I'm afraid not, Penny, but I promise you you can see Gertrude after you answer our questions, OK?

PENNY

(Sighs) OK.

KOSKA

This way, please.

KOSKA

Watch your head.

PENNY

OK. Thank you.

SFX

car door closes

KOSKA

Who's Gertrude?

ELI

Pet lizard.

KOSKA

Oh. (laughs) Wow.

KOSKA

Your report is– –due in 24 hours.

ELI

It'll be ready.

JACOB

What about Gertrude?

ELI

What about Gertrude?

JACOB

I mean, we aren't just gonna… leave her here, right?

ELI

I'll message Ignatius. They basically run a zoo with all the abandoned pets they collect.

JACOB

Okay. Good.

VALENTINE

All right.

VALENTINE

Case closed.

VALENTINE

Let's get the hell out of here.

ELI

(Quietly) Hey, you did -- you did good today.

JACOB

But…

ELI

You should really spend some time with Jordan's tablet. Get familiar with his… perspective on things.

JACOB

His perspective?

ELI

It's just that I can tell Val notices you're acting… different?

ELI

I can cover for you, for a while, but not forever. You need to get into character.

JACOB

Got it. I will.

VALENTINE

Your boys coming?

VALENTINE

I want to get dinner.

ELI

Val, your hands are wrecked and you have blood in your hair.

VALENTINE

All right?

VALENTINE

Then let's get it to go.

OUTRO

Outro theme

ATHAN

Thank you for listening to another episode of REDACTED, starring Jamie Petronis as Jacob Kane, Athan as Eli Reyes, Kirsten Ria as Joe Valentine, Tal Minear as Penny, Natalie Light as Agent Koška, Michael Freemantle as Marcus, and Landon Whisnant as the skinless guy, the monster? He's the monster.

ATHAN

If you're enjoying the show, consider giving it 5 stars.

ATHAN

Additionally, you can visit patreon.com/theredactedunit for more info.

Transcript from the production script, matched to the final audio.