- ATHAN
- Previously on REDACTED.
- ELI
- My ham!
- SLOAN
- Ah! Uhh, Agent Reyes, perfect timing. (spitting)
- ELI
- Um. Agent Summers, I---I hear you, but I don't see you?
- ELI
- Are you...?
- SLOAN
- I'm literally right here, Eli. No, no, to your left. Green and sparkly?
- SLOAN
- I'm a little hard to miss right now!
- ELI
- Yeah, well, the whole room is green and sparkly, so I'm not... Oh, oh! Ah nope, I---I see you now.
- ELI
- Ah, did the---did the garland eat you?
- SFX
- clinking of baubles
- SLOAN
- Ugh, where's your holiday cheer, Agent Reyes?
- ELI
- Well, I mean, the halls leading here were pretty decked out, too. I'm kind of surprised The Curtain went all out?
- SLOAN
- Ah, yeah, yes.
- SLOAN
- Well, company morale, team spirit, and all that holly jolly goodness.
- SLOAN
- You know how it goes.
- SLOAN
- Plus, our line of work is particularly taxing, especially this time of year.
- SLOAN
- You know something about that, I imagine.
- SLOAN
- Even Ignatius is taking time off for, and I quote, "brief respite from entropy", whatever that means.
- SFX
- furiously spitting tinsel
- SLOAN
- Okay, this one's got to go.
- SLOAN
- It's in my way.
- SFX
- clinking of decorations as Sloan moves about
- SLOAN
- Ugh. I'm going to wake up with tinsel in my teeth tomorrow.
- SLOAN
- Speaking of which, let's begin.
- SLOAN
- Have a seat, Agent Reyes.
- ELI
- Um. Where should I...
- SLOAN
- Just... figure it out, Eli.
- SLOAN
- Ugh, find a place.
- SLOAN
- I don't know.
- SFX
- small avalanche of decorations
- SLOAN
- Postmortem incident report regarding the Aberration colloquially referred to as The Caroler. TRU members in attendance, Eli Reyes. Meeting recording by public relations Agent, Sloan Summers.
- SLOAN
- As we all know by now, this Aberration is an apparition type, with an attraction to seasonal cheer, and all known targets have been households actively and boisterously celebrating Christmas.
- SLOAN
- She appears at doorways and sings traditional carols before turning violent.
- SLOAN
- The method of attack is unusual too, because the Caroler's singing voice becomes some kind of harmful sonic frequency. Ears bleed, internal organs rupture, and then total bodily detonation.
- SLOAN
- Multiple containment attempts by Curtain personnel have been successful, if temporary.
- SLOAN
- Which brings us to you and your team, Agent Reyes. I understand your team took a different approach. Please take it from here.
- ELI
- Sure. So this case was led by Agent Hauksdottir after she spent the summer reviewing case notes from previous teams.
- ELI
- Our objective was permanent containment, not a repeat of the previous mistakes and temporary solutions by other Curtain personnel.
- ELI
- Agent Hauksdottir theorized that the Caroler is a tragic entity rather than a malicious one. Someone or something seeking out the Christmas experiences, it was denied.
- ELI
- So our approach was different. Instead of salt to the face, we invited her in for a perfectly executed traditional Christmas.
- ELI
- You know, like eggnog, tree decorations, stringing lights, you get the idea.
- ELI
- But when the Caroler got involved, she sabotaged everything. Spilled eggnog, lit trees on fire, ruined my ham, strung Valentine up with Christmas lights, ruined the ham.
- ELI
- By all accounts, this should have triggered a violent response, but it didn't.
- ELI
- Instead, her aggravation seemed to stem from us shifting the focus away from being together. So when frustration became the focus, the Caroler got dangerous.
- ELI
- So we pivoted. We kept our focus on being together. On inclusion and on emotional connection, rather than a perfect traditional execution.
- ELI
- And afterward, the Caroler just faded away. No violence, no casualties.
- SLOAN
- Fascinating.
- SLOAN
- Well done.
- SLOAN
- I can't fault your methods, but what makes you think that this containment will be permanent this time, given that all the others have failed?
- ELI
- Well, I mean, that's just the thing we don't, right?
- ELI
- That's why our team's established an annual containment protocol.
- ELI
- So, I mean, it's we booked the same cabin, we're going to bring all the same decorations, and we'll do the whole Christmas thing again.
- ELI
- And if the Caroler is still out there, hopefully she'll come back to us. And if she does, we'll know what to do and hopefully forego any casualties next year.
- SLOAN
- Very good, Agent Reyes.
- SLOAN
- Before we conclude, I feel like I should address the, uh…
- SLOAN
- ...Creative liberties my team has taken with the story around the Caroler's previous victims.
- SLOAN
- These have been challenging.
- SLOAN
- Bodies don't tend to spontaneously rupture, and when they do, it's less of an explosion and more of a slow-burning candle effect.
- SLOAN
- The first incident was chalked up to domestic violence, led by the standard message of how the holidays can burn out the worst in people.
- SLOAN
- But when the killings continued the following years to multiple households, we had to mix it up to hide the pattern.
- SLOAN
- We've used it all.
- SLOAN
- Propane explosions, ravenous dogs, especially violent home break-ins.
- SLOAN
- For the latest victims, we went with bootleg fireworks.
- SLOAN
- We planted evidence of an illegal transaction of M80s, which we staged as improperly stored and in close proximity to the fireplace.
- SLOAN
- A perfect cover-up, if you ask me, considering the condition of the bodies anyway.
- SLOAN
- Local news ate up. When Christmas got too lit, a holiday tragedy.
- SLOAN
- They even did a safety PSA, which was kind of just the cherry on top.
- SLOAN
- We were not expecting it, but it's much appreciated.
- SLOAN
- Though, of course, this does mean that next year you'll have to use a different location for containment.
- ELI
- Oh, we... We can't use the cabin?
- SLOAN
- See, the problem is that there is no cabin left.
- ELI
- Oh.
- ELI
- Lots of fireworks or…?
- SLOAN
- Yes. Perhaps too many.
- ELI
- So you... Blew up the cabin?
- SLOAN
- I'm sorry, Agent Reyes. I'm sure you can... celebrate in a tent next year? Perhaps around a campfire?
- SLOAN
- Chestnuts roasting.
- SLOAN
- I'm sure an outdoor Christmas tree will be beautiful. Just remember to bring a generator for the lights.
- ELI
- Right. Okay.
- SLOAN
- Wonderful. If the Caroler does return, I wish you success with your annual containment protocol.
- SLOAN
- It sounds quite holly and quite jolly and merry and bright and all of the fun, you know, Christmas things.
- SLOAN
- It goes without saying that your process requires less cleanup for me and my team, so that is a holiday gift in of itself.
- ELI
- Yeah, sure.
- ELI
- A--anything for the PR team.
- SLOAN
- Anything, you say?
- ELI
- Uh...
- SLOAN
- Because you know what we really need is someone to help rearrange the decorations on the employee's year-end bonus holiday bar.
- SLOAN
- The excess of snowflakes keep falling in the hot chocolate, and it's becoming a real problem.
- ELI
- But don't you have the budget for---yeah. Yeah I'll help.
- ELI
- Fine.
- SLOAN
- Wonderful! Follow me. Bring the ladder. Heights make me uncomfortable.
- OUTRO
- Outro theme
- ATHAN
- Thank you for listening to a special edition of REDACTED Postmortem, starring Lyssa Jay as Sloan Summers and Athan as Eli Reyes.
- ATHAN
- Visit theredactedunit.com for more info on the show, follow us on socials at theredactedunit, or visit the Patreon, patreon.com/theredactedunit for behind the scenes and bonus content.
- ATHAN
- We'll see you in the New Year.
- ATHAN
- Thanks for listening.
Transcript from the production script, matched to the final audio.
