Postmortem: A Very REDACTED Holiday Special

ATHAN

Previously on REDACTED.

ELI

My ham!

SLOAN

Ah! Uhh, Agent Reyes, perfect timing. (spitting)

ELI

Um. Agent Summers, I---I hear you, but I don't see you?

ELI

Are you...?

SLOAN

I'm literally right here, Eli. No, no, to your left. Green and sparkly?

SLOAN

I'm a little hard to miss right now!

ELI

Yeah, well, the whole room is green and sparkly, so I'm not... Oh, oh! Ah nope, I---I see you now.

ELI

Ah, did the---did the garland eat you?

SFX

clinking of baubles

SLOAN

Ugh, where's your holiday cheer, Agent Reyes?

ELI

Well, I mean, the halls leading here were pretty decked out, too. I'm kind of surprised The Curtain went all out?

SLOAN

Ah, yeah, yes.

SLOAN

Well, company morale, team spirit, and all that holly jolly goodness.

SLOAN

You know how it goes.

SLOAN

Plus, our line of work is particularly taxing, especially this time of year.

SLOAN

You know something about that, I imagine.

SLOAN

Even Ignatius is taking time off for, and I quote, "brief respite from entropy", whatever that means.

SFX

furiously spitting tinsel

SLOAN

Okay, this one's got to go.

SLOAN

It's in my way.

SFX

clinking of decorations as Sloan moves about

SLOAN

Ugh. I'm going to wake up with tinsel in my teeth tomorrow.

SLOAN

Speaking of which, let's begin.

SLOAN

Have a seat, Agent Reyes.

ELI

Um. Where should I...

SLOAN

Just... figure it out, Eli.

SLOAN

Ugh, find a place.

SLOAN

I don't know.

SFX

small avalanche of decorations

SLOAN

Postmortem incident report regarding the Aberration colloquially referred to as The Caroler. TRU members in attendance, Eli Reyes. Meeting recording by public relations Agent, Sloan Summers.

SLOAN

As we all know by now, this Aberration is an apparition type, with an attraction to seasonal cheer, and all known targets have been households actively and boisterously celebrating Christmas.

SLOAN

She appears at doorways and sings traditional carols before turning violent.

SLOAN

The method of attack is unusual too, because the Caroler's singing voice becomes some kind of harmful sonic frequency. Ears bleed, internal organs rupture, and then total bodily detonation.

SLOAN

Multiple containment attempts by Curtain personnel have been successful, if temporary.

SLOAN

Which brings us to you and your team, Agent Reyes. I understand your team took a different approach. Please take it from here.

ELI

Sure. So this case was led by Agent Hauksdottir after she spent the summer reviewing case notes from previous teams.

ELI

Our objective was permanent containment, not a repeat of the previous mistakes and temporary solutions by other Curtain personnel.

ELI

Agent Hauksdottir theorized that the Caroler is a tragic entity rather than a malicious one. Someone or something seeking out the Christmas experiences, it was denied.

ELI

So our approach was different. Instead of salt to the face, we invited her in for a perfectly executed traditional Christmas.

ELI

You know, like eggnog, tree decorations, stringing lights, you get the idea.

ELI

But when the Caroler got involved, she sabotaged everything. Spilled eggnog, lit trees on fire, ruined my ham, strung Valentine up with Christmas lights, ruined the ham.

ELI

By all accounts, this should have triggered a violent response, but it didn't.

ELI

Instead, her aggravation seemed to stem from us shifting the focus away from being together. So when frustration became the focus, the Caroler got dangerous.

ELI

So we pivoted. We kept our focus on being together. On inclusion and on emotional connection, rather than a perfect traditional execution.

ELI

And afterward, the Caroler just faded away. No violence, no casualties.

SLOAN

Fascinating.

SLOAN

Well done.

SLOAN

I can't fault your methods, but what makes you think that this containment will be permanent this time, given that all the others have failed?

ELI

Well, I mean, that's just the thing we don't, right?

ELI

That's why our team's established an annual containment protocol.

ELI

So, I mean, it's we booked the same cabin, we're going to bring all the same decorations, and we'll do the whole Christmas thing again.

ELI

And if the Caroler is still out there, hopefully she'll come back to us. And if she does, we'll know what to do and hopefully forego any casualties next year.

SLOAN

Very good, Agent Reyes.

SLOAN

Before we conclude, I feel like I should address the, uh…

SLOAN

...Creative liberties my team has taken with the story around the Caroler's previous victims.

SLOAN

These have been challenging.

SLOAN

Bodies don't tend to spontaneously rupture, and when they do, it's less of an explosion and more of a slow-burning candle effect.

SLOAN

The first incident was chalked up to domestic violence, led by the standard message of how the holidays can burn out the worst in people.

SLOAN

But when the killings continued the following years to multiple households, we had to mix it up to hide the pattern.

SLOAN

We've used it all.

SLOAN

Propane explosions, ravenous dogs, especially violent home break-ins.

SLOAN

For the latest victims, we went with bootleg fireworks.

SLOAN

We planted evidence of an illegal transaction of M80s, which we staged as improperly stored and in close proximity to the fireplace.

SLOAN

A perfect cover-up, if you ask me, considering the condition of the bodies anyway.

SLOAN

Local news ate up. When Christmas got too lit, a holiday tragedy.

SLOAN

They even did a safety PSA, which was kind of just the cherry on top.

SLOAN

We were not expecting it, but it's much appreciated.

SLOAN

Though, of course, this does mean that next year you'll have to use a different location for containment.

ELI

Oh, we... We can't use the cabin?

SLOAN

See, the problem is that there is no cabin left.

ELI

Oh.

ELI

Lots of fireworks or…?

SLOAN

Yes. Perhaps too many.

ELI

So you... Blew up the cabin?

SLOAN

I'm sorry, Agent Reyes. I'm sure you can... celebrate in a tent next year? Perhaps around a campfire?

SLOAN

Chestnuts roasting.

SLOAN

I'm sure an outdoor Christmas tree will be beautiful. Just remember to bring a generator for the lights.

ELI

Right. Okay.

SLOAN

Wonderful. If the Caroler does return, I wish you success with your annual containment protocol.

SLOAN

It sounds quite holly and quite jolly and merry and bright and all of the fun, you know, Christmas things.

SLOAN

It goes without saying that your process requires less cleanup for me and my team, so that is a holiday gift in of itself.

ELI

Yeah, sure.

ELI

A--anything for the PR team.

SLOAN

Anything, you say?

ELI

Uh...

SLOAN

Because you know what we really need is someone to help rearrange the decorations on the employee's year-end bonus holiday bar.

SLOAN

The excess of snowflakes keep falling in the hot chocolate, and it's becoming a real problem.

ELI

But don't you have the budget for---yeah. Yeah I'll help.

ELI

Fine.

SLOAN

Wonderful! Follow me. Bring the ladder. Heights make me uncomfortable.

OUTRO

Outro theme

ATHAN

Thank you for listening to a special edition of REDACTED Postmortem, starring Lyssa Jay as Sloan Summers and Athan as Eli Reyes.

ATHAN

Visit theredactedunit.com for more info on the show, follow us on socials at theredactedunit, or visit the Patreon, patreon.com/theredactedunit for behind the scenes and bonus content.

ATHAN

We'll see you in the New Year.

ATHAN

Thanks for listening.

Transcript from the production script, matched to the final audio.