Postmortem: Home Sweet Home

ATHAN

Previously on REDACTED.

SFX

Eli sobbing

SLOAN

Postmortem incident report regarding the Aberration that is currently being referred to as 512 Lavender Home, aberrant classification pending, and Cassidy Merrow, heretofore referred to as The Realtor.

SLOAN

TRU members in attendance?

SLOAN

Currently, none.

SLOAN

It's been eight minutes since we were supposed to begin this meeting.

SLOAN

You'd think that Agent Reyes would have had the courtesy to at least let me know that he's running late, but alas.

SFX

door opens

SLOAN

Wow.

SLOAN

Speak of the devil and he shall appear.

SLOAN

Welcome in, Reyes–oh. Agent Kane. Um. What a… pleasant surprise.

JACOB

Good morning.

SLOAN

Agent Kane.

SLOAN

If you're going to have the audacity to make a coffee run rather than be punctual, you could have at least had the consideration to bring me one too–

JACOB

Cortado with brown sugar, right?

SLOAN

…Oh. Well. (clears throat) Thank you.

SFX

sips

SLOAN

In that case, I won't write you up. This time.

JACOB

Thanks. I won't be late next time.

SLOAN

Wonderful. If I'm being completely honest, I'm surprised to see you here. It's been months since you've graced us with your presence, after all.

JACOB

Well, as you know, our team is still pretty small. We've had to get creative dividing the labor. No worries, though. I'll be conducting these debriefs more often going forward.

SLOAN

I see. Well, it'll be… nice to have you here.

SLOAN

All right, well, let's jump right into it, then.

SLOAN

Please enlighten us as to how the events of 512 Lavender Lane unfolded. I've already recorded the intro, so the stage is yours.

JACOB

Yes, the events. Well, the case began off duty. Agent Reyes was looking into an open house hosted by a Cassidy Merrow, just for personal reasons, not as part of any investigation.

JACOB

Obviously, he recognized the aberrant behavior of both the home and the realtor immediately.

JACOB

The house was changing. Like it was reading the people inside and personalizing the rooms to fit their ideal living situation. It's as though the Aberration was motivated to become the prospective buyer's ideal home. Whether its end goal was to be purchased or something else completely, we're not sure.

JACOB

As for the realtor, her motivations are… inconclusive. But it was clear she had a one-track mind in getting people inside the house.

SLOAN

Yeah, it all seems like typical realtor behavior on the surface, but...

SLOAN

Fret not.

SLOAN

We've spent enough time with her to understand what you mean.

SLOAN

We'll circle back to her, though. For now, please finish elaborating on the events of the case.

JACOB

Right. After a witness was discovered on site, Agent Reyes called for backup. Agent Kipp, Agent Valentine, and myself arrived on scene.

JACOB

The witness, his name was Even, if I remember right. He had been in the house for days, just hanging out in his ideal man cave the house made for him. He had completely lost track of time and demonstrated an attachment to the space that we felt was… abnormal. It took a lot of convincing before we were able to get him to agree to leave with us.

JACOB

He mentioned his wife Dana was still in the house, probably under the same effect as he was. Hopefully your containment team was able to find her–

SLOAN

Many witnesses have been liberated from the house, yes, but the investigation is ongoing. Unfortunately, I am not at the liberty to confirm if she was one of the ones that we've recovered.

SLOAN

Confidentiality and all that, I'm sure you get it.

SLOAN

Regarding the cognitive effects, loss of time, a developed attachment to the home. We need some additional clarification.

JACOB

Mhm.

SLOAN

Your report suggests that Agent Reyes was unaffected by the Aberration's influence.

JACOB

Right.

SLOAN

Any idea as to why that was the case?

JACOB

You know, I've been wondering that myself. I do have one theory, and it is just a theory, but I have noticed that Agent Reyes has a hard time switching off. I'm thinking the house's influence didn't affect him the same way because he doesn't—he doesn't really drop his guard. It's hard to, you know, in our line of work.

JACOB

But it's believable that Agent Reyes would be less susceptible than an everyday civilian. He's got a lot of hands-on experience with Aberrations. He knows what to look for.

SLOAN

Right.

SLOAN

I see. Yes.

SLOAN

I guess you've got a point. One can only hope that it's that simple for the containment team as well.

JACOB

Hopefully. And I think you know the rest.

JACOB

The witness and Cassidy were handed over to processing, and the home is now in lockdown, and...

SLOAN

Yes, Agent Kane. Perhaps if you had been on time, you wouldn't have missed that. (scoffs) but let me repeat my previous instruction. Going forward, the entity should be referred to as The Realtor.

JACOB

I'm sorry, the entity?

SLOAN

Yes, the entity. This footage of the interview between the realtor and Agent Koška should help explain.

SFX

on recording

KOSKA

Please state your name for the record.

CASSIDY

Cassidy Merrow, licensed realtor. It's so nice to meet you!

KOSKA

Cassidy, do you understand why you're here?

CASSIDY

Of course! You're interested in the property at 512 Lavender Lane.

KOSKA

(Sighs) I’m afraid that’s not–

CASSIDY

It's a fantastic listing.

CASSIDY

Did you know the kitchen was recently renovated?

KOSKA

We're not here to discuss property features. We're here to discuss the people who have gone missing after attending your open house.

CASSIDY

Oh, dear. Well, I hope they found everything they were looking for. The home is truly gorgeous.

KOSKA

Cassidy–

CASSIDY

So, tell me, would you be interested in a tour? I normally do open houses, but I would be happy to give you a guided tour.

KOSKA

I'm interested in you answering my questions.

CASSIDY

Surely there's something in a home that would get you excited?

KOSKA

Where did you grow up?

CASSIDY

Ah, I understand. Buyers want to work with someone who knows the area.

SFX

her voice begins to sound distorted

CASSIDY

I can assure you, I know 512 Lavender Lane inside and out.

KOSKA

City? State?

CASSIDY

I guarantee you'll have a strong reaction to the property. It's wonderful to see people connect with the space.

KOSKA

What are your parents' names?

CASSIDY

Finding the right home is deadly personal. It should feel like it was made just for you.

KOSKA

Cassidy, what are you?

CASSIDY

Why, I'm a licensed realtor. I'd be happy to show you my credentials, but I'm afraid I left them at the home at 512 Lavender Lane. If you'd like to accompany me there, I'm sure we can...

SFX

recording clicks off

SLOAN

The interview continues like this for some time. At the current moment, due to Agent Koška and the processing team's hard work, we find it most likely that the realtor is not human.

JACOB

That's an extreme conclusion, don't you think?

SLOAN

Hardly. You heard the recording. Considering the realtor's inability to discuss anything outside of the scope of real estate, coupled with the fact that no identification, tax records, or licensing documentation exists for one Cassidy Merrow, at least not matching her description, by all official accounts, she doesn't exist.

SLOAN

There's also the issue of her blood work on top of all of that. Dr. Danse has been attending to the lab results for hours. The latest update he sent me came approximately 4 minutes after our meeting was supposed to begin, so I had plenty of time to review it.

SLOAN

His record states, and I quote Ahem - “I have no idea what I'm looking at.”

SFX

rustle of paper

JACOB

Oh. Uh…

SLOAN

The prevailing hypothesis is that the realtor is an extension of the aberrant home itself, operating as something akin to the light of an anglerfish, a dedicated organ to attract prey, if you will.

JACOB

Interesting comparison. It did seem like the Realtor was instrumental in gathering information from us for the house to use against us.

JACOB

It was after our conversation with her that the house stopped making sense. It was like that stairwell art, the...

SLOAN

Stairwell art?

JACOB

Osher's stairs? Something like that?

SLOAN

Do you mean Escher's Stairs?

JACOB

Yes, that's...

JACOB

Thank you.

SLOAN

You're welcome. I certainly hope it's not connected to Escher's Stairs. ATPS-214 was an obnoxious Aberration to cover up. Some of my predecessor's worst work, I might add. I still have to do damage control on that one from time to time. And it's so identifiable by the general public. Ugh.

SLOAN

But, I digress. As of right now, the Aberration has been contained. Witnesses are in the caring hands of processing, and the house has been officially condemned due to astronomically high levels of asbestos. If the general public questions why the house isn't being torn down, then, ugh, well.

SLOAN

We'll do what we usually do.

SLOAN

Release some studies or reports or whatever we need to about how it's an unusual strain that's being researched or something like that.

JACOB

Uh, may I ask why it isn't being torn down?

SLOAN

Because it holds exceptional opportunities for The Curtain?

JACOB

Right.

JACOB

I guess I see what you mean.

SLOAN

Uh, you're dismissed, Agent Kane.

JACOB

Right.

SLOAN

And please tell Eli–

JACOB

See you next time.

JACOB

What?

SLOAN

Never mind.

SLOAN

Until next time.

JACOB

Mm-hmm.

JACOB

Bye.

SFX

footsteps, door opens and closes

SFX

phone dial tone

ELI

Hey, how'd it go?

JACOB

(Whispering) Hey, I crushed it.

JACOB

Bye!

OUTRO

Outro theme

ATHAN

Thank you for listening to another episode of REDACTED Postmortem, starring Lyssa Jay as Sloan Summers, Jamie Petronis as Jacob Kane, Natalie Light as Agent Koška, Charlie Keegan James as Cassidy Merrow, and I am in there for one line as Eli, doesn't count, doesn't count, not really there.

ATHAN

If you're enjoying Postmortem, consider checking out the main show, REDACTED. (starts laughing) out now (laughs) on patreon, patreon.com… that’s a dumb joke I can't keep that–

Transcript from the production script, matched to the final audio.