Postmortem: Wallpaper

ATHAN

Previously on REDACTED.

IGNATIUS

Toe grapes!

SLOAN

Postmortem incident report regarding the case of ATPSQ-0117, also known as Wallpaper, or Living Wallpaper more colloquially. TRU members in attendance, Eli Reyes. Meeting recording by public relations Agent, Sloan Summers.

SLOAN

Agent Reyes, I recognize that we pulled you into this debriefing rather suddenly. I wish it were avoidable, but this case carries a certain amount of... …urgency, given its level of public exposure.

ELI

Sure, it's really no problem.

SLOAN

Thank you for understanding.

SLOAN

It's appreciated.

SLOAN

I've already regaled the mezzanine of my PR woes. Lots of journalists, far too many questions.

SLOAN

What's still missing, however, is the order of events within the home, if you would.

ELI

Absolutely. As you know, our team was called in to investigate the suspicious disappearance of the Williams family. Agent Kipp made us false IDs that Agent Kane and I used to infiltrate and control the active crime scene.

ELI

Ignatius took the lead and confirmed that the victims had been strown apart and woven into the pattern.

SLOAN

Eugh. That's rough.

ELI

Yeah, it gets worse, believe it or not. As per Ignatius's guidance, in order to preserve the apparition and extract the victims, we had to preserve the paper. They used the terms drain the lymph and cull the wall skin specifically, which is exactly as awful as it sounds, so–

SLOAN

Hmmm. Delightful.

ELI

I mean, a major challenge we faced this time was honestly dealing with mundane law enforcement. Again. Last time we dealt with an active crime scene, Valentine was almost arrested for threatening an officer. And, you know, Clark actually /was /arrested that one time.

SLOAN

Ha. I remember that incident. It was a PR nightmare. Well, I guess it's good that they were otherwise occupied this time.

ELI

Eh, maybe?

ELI

I mean, the extra hands could have been nice, to be honest.

ELI

I mean, we're lucky we were able to successfully strip and contain the Aberration in its entirety before the law caught up with us.

SLOAN

They caught up with you?

ELI

Yeah, had to feign a… bathroom incident.

SLOAN

Great. More work for me.

ELI

I mean, there's not much we could do about it.

ELI

And I didn't want another on-the-fly explanation situation.

SLOAN

Well, thank you for that, I guess.

ELI

Yeah, well, you're welcome, I guess.

ELI

At the very least, Ignatius did manage to convertly remove the apparition from the property without being discovered.

ELI

My understanding is that Ignatius brought it home to begin the extraction process? I imagine that's already underway? Though I'm afraid to ask.

SLOAN

Yes, that process has already begun. It's excruciating and long, but valuable for our research. The extraction process will yield data that will pair quite nicely with a bucket of blood that Ignatius also managed to preserve from the scene.

SLOAN

But! I'm getting ahead of myself. No incidents to report? Complications?

ELI

Well, not...

ELI

Exactly, per se.

ELI

The wallpaper did seal me into a bathroom, and Kane had a tendril fuse to him. But those situations were both handled. No harm done.

SLOAN

Interesting.

SLOAN

As far as I'm aware, we have no previous records of a living wallpaper lashing out with arms or tentacles, for that matter.

ELI

Uh, tendrils.

SLOAN

Excuse me?

ELI

I think Ignatius called them… tendrils, actually.

SLOAN

So be it. I'm not one to argue with Ignatius.

SLOAN

They do seem to know at least a little bit about everything.

SLOAN

But this does raise some concerns, given that we have no previous examples of two-dimensional quantum infestations breaking completely into the third dimension.

SLOAN

This is completely uncharted territory.

SLOAN

I'll be sure to inform Dr. Danse and the research team. That, of course, does mean that Agent Kane and yourself may be required to participate in their study, but...

ELI

Yeah, well, we wouldn't want to impede the research team, obviously, but TRU is understaffed at the moment, and—and the backlog continues to grow, so maybe...

SLOAN

I'm sure you would never willfully disobey a direct order, Agent Reyes. Rest assured, The Curtain will take TRU's present circumstances into consideration.

ELI

Thank you, ma'am.

SLOAN

Anyways... Despite its simplicity, this Aberration has an emphatically high hazard rating.

SLOAN

Per Ignatius' notes, this Aberration is what we would categorize as an extra-dimensional infestation. Alarmingly, it does appear as a typical wallpaper you'd find anywhere, if not a bit more ornate.

SLOAN

Mmm. Scratch that.

SLOAN

Perhaps tacky is more appropriate.

ELI

I guess there's no accounting for taste.

SLOAN

Agreed. Gaudy as it may be, this wallpaper serves as a membrane between local reality and another dimension.

SLOAN

There are two primary reasons why its hazard rating is so high. First, direct contact leads to absorption. The victims remain conscious as their bodies are dispersed and woven into repeating wall patterns.

SLOAN

Second, infestations of this kind have been known to expand under stress. Until today, that meant exclusively in a two-dimensional realm.

SLOAN

Anyways, what did you have for lunch today, Agent Reyes?

ELI

Uh… Again?

ELI

Uh, um—I mean, I didn't actually–have lunch today.

ELI

Is this like a normal question now, or…?

SLOAN

So, no pasta salad then? That's good.

ELI

What?

SLOAN

Because we're telling the public that the leading theory is the pasta salad. It was causing hallucinations.

SLOAN

Get it? Because I asked what was for lunch?

ELI

(Dubiously genuine laugh) Huh! Yeah, ah. Yeah.

SLOAN

The pasta salad thing is real, though. As far as the public knows. Our story is that the neighborhood potluck had something funky going on, and it was a food poisoning event.

ELI

Oh. Um—so…

SLOAN

Unfortunately, I didn't have time to confirm if they had actually consumed pasta salad at the potluck. Or if there even was pasta salad at the potluck to begin with.

SLOAN

The goal is to minimize explanatory inconsistencies, so I'll have to fact check.

SLOAN

As far as the Williamses go, well, that's a different beast entirely. Once the Williamses have been re-sculpted, we'll begin psychological reconditioning and hope that's all it takes. Start with some gentle hypnotherapy and work our way to more extreme measures if necessary.

SLOAN

The good news is, all the loose ends are well in hand and will be tied in short order.

ELI

Yeah, I'm sure it will be. That's something I never worry about.

SLOAN

Perfect! Well, if that's all you have for the file, I'll catch you next time, Agent Reyes.

ELI

Yep.

ELI

I'll, uh—I’ll see you later.

OUTRO

Outro theme

ATHAN

Thank you for listening to another episode of REDACTED Postmortem, starring Lyssa Jay–as Sloane Summers, and Athan as Eli Reyes.

ATHAN

For important information, as well as more information on the show, visit theredactedunit.com.

ATHAN

Otherwise, we'll see you on the next episode of REDACTED.

ATHAN

Thanks for listening.

Transcript from the production script, matched to the final audio.